A Funny Thing Happened On The Way to Mooby's
by Ididntdoit07
Summary: Set a year after Clerks 2, Randal and Elias repeat what happened with Dante and Becky. How will Randal deal with his pregnant secret lover, keeping the truth from Dante, and staying abstinent from beer? Easy. He doesn't. Pregnant Elias in this. lol...


My first Kevin Smith fan fiction, so please be nice. Clerks characters and all, including hardcore slash and mpreg.

Pairings:

Randal/Elias

Dante/Becky

that's it so far.

I'll give this an R rating for slash, sex, and mpreg. Woo! Pregnant Elias in this.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, except maybe a six pack of beer.

* * *

So let's go over this again. First off, I'm Graves. Randal Graves: RST video store owner and manager. I live with my mother, but she doesn't care. At least she has something to do like cook me breakfast and dinner and other shit. But anyways, I worked at RST for about ten years until the damn place caught on fire for a little bit and burned to ashes. Then I went to work at Mooby's where I met someone, but we'll get into that later. It was a major suck-fest. It sucked more than anything. But anyways....

Second, I work next door to my partner in crime, Dante Hicks. He and I have been best friends for a long while. He was with me through the burning of QS/RST and we went to Mooby's together. For the past decade I've known him to have the worst luck with the female breed in the state of New Jersey. But he hooked up with a Mooby's girl, Becky. She believes "Ass to mouth" is like heresy and also doesn't believe in romantic love, which is why I believe they won't last another year.

And for some reason they have a kid. It's a month old and looks like a fucking chimpanzee. It's fat, like Dante. It's also ugly and smells like complete baby shit. It has a name though, Joseph. Because Dante's a Christian or something. Psh.

Then there's my bratty best friend employee, Elias. We met him at Mooby's. He's been "Funployee of the Month" for three months in a row. I bug him a lot about Transformers and Lord of the Rings. Jedi is still the best Return. But, somehow three months ago he went and got himself knocked up. Don't ask.

He's an uber Jesus freak, and claims he's not gay.

Psh.

Last but not least are my King Diamond lovers Jay and Silent Bob. Drug dealers, right outside my video store. Jay curses more than should be humanly possible and Silent Bob....

Well...

Duh.

Think of a troll. A big smoking troll. Or Jaba the Hut. Well, fuck, its another dat at RST/Quick Stop and I'm already being pestered by annoying customers.

"Hi, I'd like to get these movies." Glare at the customer until they pull the cash out of their pockets in wads. Elias in 1....2....

"Sorry!" He says, accidentally bumping into the customer. They fall over, quite dramatically. I snatch the money off of the counter and shove it into my back pocket. I'll count it later. The only shoplifting I accept is the shit I do on my own.

My dumb-ass employee is taking too long, making it a little obvious. They stand back up, Elias helps him. The customer says,

"Hey, where'd my money go?"

"What money?" Play dumb. "That's 6.75." I say.

He glares at me and puts more money on the counter and grabs the movies. "I'm watching you."

Stupid fucks always think that they scare me, when in fact it's the giant eye brows and half blind eye that freaks me out. "Uh-huh..." Elias stares at him, still watching the old guy go to his car.

I pull the money out of my pocket and count it. "5..6....7...8...9."

"Sweet." He says, "That's like chicken salad and a milk shake from Chick fil A."

"All you think about is food now."

He shrugged.

I was bored.

He wasn't being his usually easy to pick on dorky-self. Meh. "I'll be right back..." I walk out of RST, slamming the door behind me. The bells jingled.

I pass by Jay chugging down a beer and my stomach growls at me. I throw open the door to the Quick Stop and strut in, making myself noticed. Dante was behind the counter, surprisingly reading a magazine instead of looking like the usual Grim Reaper.

"You're not supposed to be in here..." He muttered.

I walk to the back of the store towards the drinks and grab a Bud Lite out of the fridge. "Oh, go fuck a donkey, Dante."

"That's your fetish, not mine." He shouts back. Ha-Ha. He's such a pussy. I crack open the beer and chug it.

"Are you gonna pay for that?" Dante's voice squeaks sometimes. It's funny to me and embarrassing to him.

"Of course not." I head for the door. The beer was the only thing I wanted.

"Hey! Wait, Randal!" Squeak again. I snort. What a douche.

"Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a-at?" Sometimes I feel liek we're living in a world where Dante's my mother and I'm the nonsense, shitty kid I already am. Imagine Dante three bra sizes bigger. Dante motions towards RST.

"How's Elias doing over there?"

"Same old, same old. Nothing new about him besides the fact that somehow he's pregnant."

"Excuse me?" Great. Annoying customer #7 today. And its only 10 AM.

"Yeah, I said my coworker over there in RST is knocked up, what the fuck's it to you?"

I could hear Dante moan my name out. Sexual. Heh. Then I got a good look at this customer. Middle aged, fat, mustache and wearing of all damn things, plaid. What a fuck-nut. "You know I could get your punk-ass fired?"

"You know I would get your old, hairy, liver-spotted, wrinkly asshole a restraining order 'cause I own the place!" That pissed him off.

He points to Dante. "You just lost a customer." He walks out of the Quick Stop.

"Patience is a virtue, my friend!" I call to him.

"R-Randal!" Dante's super pissed. Oh well. If anyone was going to make fun of prego-boy, it was going to be me. I moan back at him.

"Wha-a-a-a-at?" That same dude made fu nof prego-boy earlier this week, and the only one whose allowed to do that is me." Toldja so.

Dante's not pleased at all. Oh well. I lean on the counter and stare over, trying to see if someone was behind there with him if it were Becky or Caitlin. Knowing him, he totally would have that slut down there with him again. Dante sighs loudly.

"But Randal, how did Elias even manage to lose his virginity?"

Fucking shit.

Say something smart, fool him into thinking I don't know a thing. He stares at me attentively, looking for an answer. Say something before he thinks its you. "I-I don't know..." Stop stuttering, bitch. "He just decided to give Pillow-Pants his dick." I suggest. Hopefully he would buy it.

That was just complete bull shit.

"How could a girl knock a guy up?"

Keep control...

"Do you know something I don't know?"

Act cool so he doesn't suspect a damn thing.

His eyes go wide. "Did you fuck him?"

Lose it.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! How am I supposed to know how he lost his damn virginity?! I wouldn't touch the retard with a forty foot pole, dammit Dante!" Hopefully flipping the shit made it more believable. "The kid's not even legal to drink yet, even if I was gay, I still wouldn't even want to see him naked. Ugh. Not even that gay guy yesterday would want to."

Dante nods. "Yeah, man, sorry. I know you wouldn't do anything to him." Good, or I'll kick your ass.

"But why haven't you hooked up recently?" He continues his massive questionnaire.

I get up of the counter and shoot him a half glare/half WTF look. "Cool it, old man." I mutter and basically run out of the Quick Stop.

Jeez, its like fucking Becky and Dante all over again! Only with me. And.... Elias. The only difference though is that...

We weren't drunk.

I pass by Jay and Bob again, and swing open the door to RST. The beer spills over my hand a little. Whatever, I'll lick it up later. Elias sits behind the counter, watching a movie on the screen above instead of the security camera. I try to recognize it. It's got Danny Devito in it and some guy's pregnant....

Ugh, its Junior. That movie with knocked up Arnold Schwartzen-whatever.

I guess Elias spies my beer.

"You're not supposed to drink while on the job, Randal."

"Yeah, yeah, shut up."

He looked upset. Of course, he's got 100% more hormones now, he'll probably start crying soon. I should probably know not to give a pregnant guy the cold shoulder. Nobody likes that. His lips curl downward.

Aw, well I do feel kinda bad. It's not his fault... OW! I smack myself. Elias is an annoying brat, I like making fun of him, he's a loser.

"Let's just forget about how your kid came to be."

Elias looks over quickly. Joy.

"I mean, I felt bad, I gave you a mercy fuck, and somehow you ended up pregnant."

"What do you mean, Randal...?"

"Meaning I don't love you. You are my friend. Just a friend. I love you in a heterosexual way, but that's it. The kid in your... body isn't mine. Let's just say it's Jay's out there!" I suggest. He stares.

"Why?"

Ugh. "Because if anyone found out I knocked you up, it would be a blow to my image.

Shit. He's upset.

He looks around frantically, trying to reabsorb the tears forming in his eyes. He doesn't look at me, and I sigh. Great.

"Fiiiiiine." I curse at myself. "I'll give it to you. One last time, alright?" He's confused.

Obviously.

I crawl over the counter and he backs off a little. I reach forward and grab his jaw. "Come on, open your mouth." I lean in and envelop his lips in mine. I find the small crease in between his lips and force my tongue into his mouth. He moans slightly and opens up, letting me in. He runs his tongue over mine; I could actually feel myself getting a little excited.

Bad, Randal.

I immediately break off before he or I do anything else. He exhales loudly. I jump back over the counter and lock the door, changing the sign to closed. He nods and he fixes the blinds, so nobody can see what's going on inside.

I walk back over to him and a few feet before reaching him, I attack. I take a large step and cup both hands around him and pull him up on me, immediately pleading him. He gets the message and opens his mouth for me, allowing me to invade his oral cavity. He pushes back into me, until we're battling. I shove him against the wall and let him feel my erection while I massage his tongue with mine.

God, Elias was good at this.

I bet Myra's jealous she's not getting to play tonsil hockey with him. Her loss, my win. I love Listerfeind. I throw off my red button down and push the chair behind the counter away for us.

His eyes go wide. "R-right here, Randal...?" Elias pants.

God, he's so good at making me want to fuck him. He's really good.

"We have a 30 minutes break and we cant leave, so yes, here." I force him to sit down on the floor of the store. Once sitting, I push him backwards so he's almost laying flat on his back with me on top of him. I slide my hand up his green shirt and breathe hotly on his neck. I can feel him shivvering; he wraps his arm around my neck and shoulders, becoming aroused. I find his spot and nibble on the nape of his neck. He silently moans.

I sit up quickly with my legs on either side of him. I throw off my grey tee-shirt. He stares at me and bites his lip, smiling like a shy little kid. He must think I'm hot or something. I wasn't fat, or very fit. I guess thats how he likes me. Not much hair either. Speaking of hair, theres no way I'm removing my hat though. That thing is necessary if I am to survive.

He props himself up on his elbows and grabs his shirt by the cuffs and pulls his arms out of the sleeves and pulls the worn-in shirt over his head. And he's perfect. His body is amazing; slightly tan, but not too tan or not too pale. No unecessary hair or scars, no dirt, ink, or piercings. No moobs, no indentions in the chest. Perfectly colored tan, erect nipples and a line from where his abs were. Now there is a slight bump there, somewhat visible through clothing. He looks away when I stare at it. I look back at him and at his sexy neck. Necks were a feish for me. I could eat it all up right now.

I lean back in and nibble down his collar to the middle of his chest as I also snake my hand into his pants.

Somehow, he picks up my chin and floods my mouth with his tongue. Very brave of him. I slide mine beside his, and caress the walls of his mouth. I blindly find the button and zipper in his pants and release them. He stops kissing for a second to register what I'm doing, and then continues, and pulls on my lip with his teeth. I slide his pants off.

Ha, just look at his undies. What Would Jesus Do. Well, I know what I would do.

I'd fuck him.

I'd fuck him hard.

And I will.

I can feel his hands then search for my zipper.

I help him find it, and then.... I feel it.

I didn't know if he knew it, but I did. His hand brushes over my member gently. I try not to make a sound, when its so tempting. I can my face flush red. It made me suddenly want to come.

Am I really that attracted to him? The gentle, innocent face, long, brown hair, and the gorgeous body?

Of course.

I bite down on his lip and pull back then lick his gum. Eh, he likes it.

Ah, he got my pants off.

I lick my hand, and offer it to him. His lips part and his hot tongue runs over my fingers, and I shove them a little further.

He coughs. I laugh a little and pull out my well lubricated fingers. I bite down on his neck, sucking, nibbling, biting. My hand slithers down his underwear, and I can feel his member as I move over it and then grab him gently. I run my middle and index finger further until I find my entrance. I wipe my lubricated fingers on it and push in a little. It made me so hot. I love it.

He does too.

"Do it, Randal." he says. No, begs. He really wants this.

I do too.

I help him pull off my boxers. He crumples them in a ball and throws them somewhere out of my eyesight. Now he could see how excited I am. Standing tall like the Empire State Building. High, tall, long, mighty.

Elias grabs my shoulder to help pull himself up and removes the rest of his clothing. Naked. Gorgeous.

He spreads his legs on either side of me and I hold him up as he leans back against my hands. I grab my erection and lead it to its spot. The head finds it. Elias gasps a little as I push in. He winces. He's small, I'm huge; he's 19, I'm 33. Is that wrong?

Nope. He's legal to fuck.

I'm still going, reaching the climax and go all the way down to the boys. I pull out a little and then shove back in.

"Aaahn...." He moans.

I pull out a little and then back in. I repeat it; I must look like a horny dog, humping over and over. The area is really wet with juice, lube, and sweat. It smells good to me. Elias rubs his forehead on my shoulder, wiping away a little sweat on his brow. Sure it wears him out, I'm a beast. He groans and scratches down my back. Good boy...

I feel it again. The urge to come...

I moan this time.

Sweat covers my body, I'm starting to wear out. He stares at me and says it ever so sweet.

"I love you, Randal."

He says, and wraps his arms around my neck and shoulders and relaxes on it. He rides me harder. I embrace him. I love this boy, too. I smile; his voice echoes in my ear. _I love you, Randal... _Yes, Elias.

I can feel it getting tighter. He repeats God's name over and over. No, say my name.

Say it, Elias.

I push even deeper, reaching the climax of our intimacy on the floor of RST video. The grip on my shoulders tighten and I can see the pain on his face. My member stiffens and pierces through his soft and gentle body. He leans his head back and lets out a moan. "God, Randal..." He panted.

"Yes, say it again."

"Randal..."

Good boy.

I invade his open mouth and slide my tongue over the roof of his mouth. He licks around my cheeks and pushes my tongue back with his. My hips bounce up and down, fucking him good and hard. It's warm and tight in there, and I can feel it release and contract. He exhales out my name again. "Randal..." I can almost see tears form in his shut eyes.

The blood flow to my member decreases and starts to soften.

Shit.

"I'm-- I think I'm gonna come..." I state.

He pries his eyes open and smiles, "I dont care, go ahead...."

What a dirty boy.

The head of my member contracts, and I release. It explodes into his body, leaking out the sides as well. "Mmm...." I let out a moan in defeat. I finish up and pull out. Shit, not literal shit, drips on the tile floor. God, that wore me out. I feel bad, but I collapse onto him, careful not to hurt him though. I stroke the damp, dark brown hair on his head as he helps clean us up. His right hand rubs over my back, massaging it gently. With the other hand, he cleans up my limping member and helps get the shit off. God, it felt so good.

Fucking hell, I make so many references to God that I could probably join a cult.

It smelled like come and sex in here. Elias' sticky hands massage the head of it. I feel it again. Before I could help it, it comes again. I groan.

He laughs a little and wipes off the tip. He kisses me lightly on the lips, no tongue involved this time. I lean up. Laying on top of a pregnant guy must be a little awkward; also the fact that it might hurt him or the kid. I sit with my legs on either side of him and look around. I find a roll of paper towels and tear one off, offering him one after kissing back. He wipes his sticky, disgusting hands on it. Once finished...

UGH!!!

He throws it at me, hitting me in the face. Fucking brat!

I snatch him by both wrists and tackle him down to the floor. Glare. And he kisses me quickly. Oii, Elias. He knows how to make me feel like a complete dumbass.

"We need to clean up." He says.

True. It is a huge mess. Theres come on the floor and discharge and other disgusting shit here. I suddenly feel gross. I stand up. The blinds are closed, nobody can see in. Though, that would be kinda funny. Seeing a naked guy inside RST. Jay and Lunchbox would find it hilarious, but not the actual having sex with your employee thing. Your guy employee, whill will be having your baby in 6 months or less. If they found out, there would be no way to get Jay to shut up.

I look over at Elias. My mind ramble reminded me of the kid. He looked disgusted at himself. We're both covered in shit and sex juice.

"You should go take a shower." I say to him. He looks up at me. "Go ahead, I'll get one after you. We're both reeking of hot, anal sex."

At that, we both blush.

We just had sex at work.

Elias stands and some juice just drips off of him. Gross. "You know, why don't we both get a shower? It's only been 15 minutes, we have another half left." My dirty little boy. You have to give it to him, he has great ideas and he's cute too.

I shrug. "Sure."

I lead him to the back. He follows at me feet. We arrive in the back bathroom. Yes, we have a back bathroom. The same one where the lights don't work later on in the day. And we actually had a shower installed, even though nobody uses it. Well, I guess we'll give it a good use. I twist the handles and hot water shoots out of the head of the shower. Elias turns the lights on to the shower so it doesn't look like a haunted cell. I stare at it. It's quite pretty actually. Its blue, glass, and big. Maybe they made it so people could fuck around in here.

I grab his wrist and yank him into the shower with me. It's shocking. It was so hot and felt so good...

SHIT!

I still have my hat on!

I quickly tear it off of my head and toss it out of the shower. I can see Elias staring at me through the mist and water droplets. Right, barely anyone's seen me without the red hat on. His hair lays flat as its already soaking. The water pours down his body.

Yes....

Again.

He shoves me against the wall of the shower and buries his tongue and lips into my mouth. "Mmm..."

Wait.

Was that me...?

Did I make that sound?

That didn't even sound like me...

Could Elias hear it?

GOD, Randal! Shut up!

Now thats all I can think about!

He breaks off and grabs me on the collar, biting down hard. Oh god, turn on spot. I make the noise again, but don't notice. I feel it again. The fun's not over yet. I almost grab onto him, making it seem like I want him to fuck me, but I hesitate and... He breaks off. I stare at him.

"Elias..." I pant out. "Again?"

He nods.

I suddently flip the scene. His back faces me, against the wall of the shower. I place my hand on his hip and on the wall to keep balance. He looks back at me, and good God... I come too easily. He reaches back and grabs my member and pulls me closer. Hey! "Easy..." I say. He leads it between his legs and positions it at the sport. I wait a second to confuse him, and thrust my hips forward, burying it deep inside him.

He lets out a yelp, like a small puppy, and I give it to him good. I pierce through him easily, and I snake my hand around his body and grab him gently.

It's wet and slippery. Just like the other parts of him. It's so soft, too. I hear him say something.

Harder you say?

I push deeper; all 7 inches into his bowels. I pull out a little. Come on, you can go deeper. I try again, all the way down to the balls and run my hand up his waist to his stomach. Ah, that's right. He's pregnant... I forgot about that.

Oops. I don't mind if he doesn't. He's not all big and fat yet, that'll come later. I continue to push into him. I move my hand above his stomach and then back down again. There, I could feel it. Swollen, as if he had eaten a huge dinner. Not his flat abs like before, but not an obvious 'I'm pregnant' feeling or look.

For some reason I shiver. Yes, in the scalding, hot shower.

It's because it's mine. The little creature thing inside Elias is my DNA and his, combined to form a little human being. A baby.

Fucking hell.

I finished up quickly and pulled out. And for another odd reason, I hold him from behind, both hands on his belly. I look over slightly to see his face. His eyes are closed. If he was upset, I couldn't tell. The shower hid the tears if there were any. He moves his hand down on mine. What am I doing? I snap back to reality.

"We, uh... should probably get dried off."

He blinks. "Yeah."

He stands up straight and I take my hands away from his stomach. Well, this was uncomfortable. The shower knobs squeak as I turn the water off. He sighs in relief. We were both really worn out. "Maybe its time we head back to work..." I mutter softly, leaving the shower cell and go to the cabinet right outside. I yank open the magnetic door and pull out two beige towels.

I throw him one. Suprisingly, he catches it.

I take mine and wipe myself dry all over. The warm towel that had never been used feels great running over me. I pull it over my head and scrub my dripping hair. Now I just feel weird. Standing naked with Elias. I look down and wrap the towel around my waist to keep him from looking at my dick. I almost said something, but forgot immediately.

I walk back to the main part of RST. God, my dick was really sore.

Too much sex.

I grab my clothes off of the floor. I grab my grinch boxers first, and drop the towel. I slide them on. Ah, much better. I look over and see my reflection in the window. I look weird without the red cap. Meh.

I snatch the grey shirt off of the floor and pull it over my head and chest. I then adjust it on my body. And then my jeans. I hear footsteps and look over at Elias.

He's already fully dressed. He walks with a slight limp behind the counter. We stare at the floor. "Ew." He comments on it. Yeah, ew is right. There's skeet and other shit on the floor behind the counter. I smile.

"Why don't you lick it up?" I suggest.

He groans and makes a gagging sound. I grab the roll of paper towels off of the counter from earlier and tear off a few pieces, placing them on the floor. "Go to QS and grab some air freshener, then come back and clean it up." I order. That's another reason why I love Elias. He'll do anything you tell him to. He fixes his damp hair quickly.

I watch him walk out of the RST. He's still walking funny. I laugh to myself.

He comes back in 10 minutes with a bag of shit.

"What the fuck is in there?"

He slams the bag on the counter. "Lysol, Reeses, Butterfingers, Pringles, a Star Magazine, and a liter of Dr. Pepper." He takes it all out of the bag and on the counter again. He pops open the top to the Pringles tube and removes the seal. Mmm.... makes me kinda hungry. He munches on a pringle. I snatch the tube of chips and grab a few, shoving them in my mouth. Yummy, pizza flavored.

"What do you even need all that shit for?" I ask with a full mouth. He shrugs.

"I was hungry."

"Obviously."

I swallow the now mushy chips and steal a little Reeses cup. I take off the brown paper and bite into it. He notices. "Hey!" He tries to get it back. "You can have a pringle, but not Reeses!" He basically jumps over the counter to reclaim his food.

It's mine now, bitch!

I imagine if I said that he would burst into tears.

"Come and get it." I challenge.

He blushes a little and climbs on the counter, pushing some of the food away. I offer it to him, between my teeth. He comes close enough to kiss and steals it out of my mouth. He smiles and eats it. How cute...

Then, all hell broke loose.

I look over. I forgot I had opened the blinds and reopened the store when he left to get the food. Jay and Silent Bob stare in, right as Elias tries to kiss me.

Fucking shit!

Elias looks over as well and he blanches.

Don't faint, kid.

Great. 3....2...

Jay bursts through the RST door with Bob behind him.

"Holy fucking shit, dude!" He yells.

"Shut up!" I say.

"Dude, you two just swapped the saliva!"

"Jay, shut the fuck up!"

"Dude, thats fucking insane!" How many times can he say dude?

Elias stands up beside me, his mouth full of pringles chips. He 'hmms'. Elias! Shut up! I yell to him mentally. Jay is still repeating 'dude' over and over and curisng the hell out of the place. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...

"You guys just fucking kissed!" He is smiling, almost yelling in laughter. "Did you like it?" He suddenly asks calmly this time. Die. "I knew you two were at it!"

That's it.

I throw him against the wall, with my hands under his shirt and collar. I glare into his eyes, piercing through the fucked up pupils. God, he was still high. He cowers. "If you say anything to Dante or ANYONE I will kill you. Got it?" He shivers a little and nods.

I let him down.

"Jeez man..." He pushes me away and walks back to Silent Bob, who hasn't said a thing this entire time. He snorts a few times; Jay copies him and then his face screws into a disgusted expression. "Godddammit, it smells like cock milk in here." He struts around, still sniffing. I want to kill him so bad right now. Silent Bob just stands in the doorway, rolling his eyes.

I sigh and try to calm myself down. If Dante knew about Elias and I, I wouldn't hear the end of it. And the fact that Elias' pregnancy is my fault, thats even worse.

But Jay was right. It smells terrible in here. Shit, pregnancy makes everyone sensitive to stuff. I stare over at Elias. The kid was as pale as the moon. Don't puke, don't puke... He makes a gagging sound; well, at least he made it to the trash can. Poor kid just wasted a few good pringles. He finishes up, but still squats in front of the trash can. I prop myself up on teh counter and look at Jay, me faking a smile.

His blank expression changes and he points a finger.

"Oh, my..."

Oh, shit.

"GOD!" He shouts.

I wish I was dead.

"You guys just had fucking sex in here!" Shut up... "No wonder theres come on the floor, dude! That's nasty!" Shut up...

He continues and shows Silent Bob my shit on the floor. Elias looks up, clueless. Silent Bob's eyes go wide, and somehow I can't speak. He taps Jay on the shoulder, and he looks back at Lunchbox. Silent Bob points to his own belly.

SHIT!! Why can't I speak?!

"Holy shit, is that why Elias is pregnant?"

Silence.

Bad move.

"Dude!" Jay points a guilty finger at me. I want to bite it off. "You're the daddy of Elias' kid, aren't you?" I grab Jay's hands adn twist his wrists, close to the point of breaking. He gasps.

"Are you going to fucking shut up or will I have to snap your neck for ya?"

Jay nods diligently. I shouldn't trust him, but I have to.

"Keep it the fuck down, alright? Jesus fucking Christ on a stick..." I grab the beer bottle out of Silent Bob's hands and take a long swig of it. God, I need beer. I need a six pack. Behind me, Elias grabs his Dr. Pepper and sips it slowly to get the vomit taste out of his mouth. He looks at me, confused. He hadn't heard a thing but the vomit splattering in the trash can.

Jay walks around the counter and draws Elias into a hug. Poor kid looks confused as anything. Jay rubs his hand over Elias' head, messing up his hair. Then, he offers him a beer. What an idiot. "Awesome, man. So what are you two gonna name the little fucker?" He rubs his grimy (reeking of weed) hands over Elias and the kid.

My kid...

Elias stares at me, as if I'm to help him. Sigh.

"First off, just because I accidentally helped create it doesn't mean I'm the damn thing's dad. Whoever said I was taking that job?" The thing is my DNA and other crap, but I never said I was its da-da. I didn't even know mine. Elias looks down.

Ughhhhhhh.

I hate it when you love someone and you let them down. If he cries, just ignore it. Hold back...

"Randal..." That sweet, voice. No! Don't say my name!

You'll break me!

Jay joins in and puckers his lips. "Come on, Randal...."

Ugh, shut up Jay...

Silent Bob dances a little.

DAMMIT!

"ALRIIIIIGHT!" I yell at all of them. They shut up. "I'll help him take care of the damned thing and support him, but I'm not it's father!" I drink the rest of the beer. And that's it with th--

I'm not wearing my cap. I probably look like fucking ET.

I notice it in Elias' hand by his side, and snatch it.

"Give me that! Jeez!" I place it on my head and fix it.

And for some reason, he bursts into tears.

I sigh and I have to be nice. "Elias, I can't."

"Why not?" He whines and sits down in a chair that Bob brings him. Jay looks to Elias, and then to me mouthing words. Ugh. Don't think about it, and don't say a thing you'll regret. Jay and Bob stare me down. Fucking A. I groan.

"Could you not listen for a minute?" I suggest to them. They shruf and put their hands over their ears. Elias looks up at me, confused as always. I sigh. Fuck it, I'm such a pussy. I kneel down to his level and catch him in the eye. "Elias, the truth is... I'm scared to death of being a parent. My dad never gave a shit about me. Most he ever gave me for Christmas was a smack over the head or putting a cigarette out on my neck. I have no idea on how to raise a kid. For chrissakes, I'm 33!" I said it. Honest.

He looks up and he glares. "And I'm 19, you stupid fuck!"

Wow. Wasn't expecting him to say that.

He stands up and faces me.

"Fine then! If you don't want to raise it as well, I'll do it on my own. You don't have to because obviously you're too immature to raise a kid, much less yourself!" Ouch. But, Elias... you're wrong.

I do want to.

He heads for the door. No, don't leave--

"I might as well go, I wasn't even supposed to be here today!"

A run after him and catch his wrist. And right in front of Jay and Silent Bob...

I kiss him.

I could imagine their faces, but I can't see anything but the side of Elias' cheek. He gasps a little and pushes me away.

"Right here?!"

"Anywhere." I say. "Anywhere, but in front of Dante." Elias stares at me. He tasted funky. Like vomit. Ugh. Oh well, I love him. It doesn't matter if he's gross or not. But, Dante couldn't know. Just not yet. I look over at Jay and Silent Bob. Jay's mouth is agape.

"Y-you just kissed him!" Obviously, you were only staring for ten minutes. "Are you gay?" Gee, I wonder where the fuck he's been. Elias looks as if he could faint at any moment, and I pull him back to his chair, and he shakily sits down. I goes back down to my knees, meeting his eyes.

"I will take care of you. But we have to be on the low about this, Dante just absolutely can't know. Understand now?" I try to sound as nice as possible. He nods a little. Good, I didn't sound like an asshole.

He looks down. "I love you, Randal..."

He said it so quietly I could hardly hear him.

I grab his hand and level gazes with him. Say it...

"I..."

God, its actually hard as hell to say. "I..." Stop stuttering, moron. I look over at Jay and Bob. They turn their backs to us, understanding. I hear Jay crack open a beer can. He bounces up and down on his feet. I look back over to Elias, whose lost all faith in me. I take a deep breath. Was that my heart beating a million miles an hour? Probably. I can hardly breathe. Randal Graves, you fucking pri...

"Elias, I love you too!"

I shoot up, standing with my eyes squeezed shut, and I realize. I just said it. Outloud.

Then, silence.

Jay and Bob turn around. Elias looks puzzled again, and his arms are shaking. He's about to stand up. "A-And not..." I continue. I didn't know I had more to say, but it pours out of me. "in a heterosexual way." He knew I loved him, but the shock of saying it outloud surprised us all. God, I dont even tell my mom I love her. Elias better be happy...

And he was.

He jumps up and almost suffocates me as he wraps his arms around my neck and almost pulls me over. I can't help but hug him back and shoot a look at Jay and Silent Bob. Now both of them are silent. Hah. I rub Elias' back. The kid is still hanging onto me like a fucking spider-monkey. "Alright...." I say, trying to pry him away. He doesn't budge.

I tap him. "Elias."

Still nothing.

"Alright!!"

He lets go, suddenly afraid. "Can we at least get back to work now? Sheesh!"

* * *

End of Chapter 1


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